In our post on the 12th day of the counting of the Omer, the Hod (beauty) in Gevurah (restraint), we considered how "holding back" may play a role in creating beauty: the silence between the notes of a song are as important as the notes themselves; the visual artist weighs when to make a mark and when to leave alone what's already on the canvas.

How does restraint, then, contribute to balance?

There are many, many ways to unpack this! For now, let's consider the way that restraint and balance figure into communication between people.

I've worked pretty hard in recent years at reducing my annoying, unhelpful tendency to rush in to fill silences in conversation with others. For example, when someone would tell me about a particular experience that they were going through, I would often respond by quickly sharing a similar experience that I had had. In my own mind, I justified this on the grounds that I was "relating to" with the other person had just said. It took a long time for me to learn that the other person was likely to feel shut down by my eagerness to tell my own stories. What I thought was empathizing could easily feel to them like "making everything about me," neither validating their experience nor allowing them to feel truly heard. In my own eagerness to be acknowledged, or feel empathetic, or clever, or whatever, I was knocking the conversation way out of balance.

Two sayings imparted to me by teachers of mindfulness in Judaism have helped me moderate this tendency to take up too much space when communicating with others.

The first saying comes from my mentor and teacher Rabbi Sheila Peltz Weinberg:

The word "wait" is actually an acronym that stands for "Why Am I Talking?"

I regret not remembering who taught me the second aphorism, but it's equally important:

The people who surround me are not flawed attempts at being me. I have found this second bit of wisdom to be particularly helpful in resisting the temptation to advise, fix or set someone else straight when they haven't indicated that they are thirsty for my opinion!

So, where in your own life do you find yourself practicing restraint or holding back in order to make room for balance?

Thanks for reading, and as always, I’d love to hear your comments!

Rabbi Folberg

Tags: Gevurah, Tiferet